4 years ago, my wife and I were normal. At least we were what most middle-class American’s would consider normal. We were both in our late 20’s, had two kids, a nice house, 2 cars, a dog, the works! We had a small circle of friends that mainly consisted of other parents who had children the same age as ours. During the week I would go to work while she would stay home and care for the children. She had a part-time job supervising the day care center at a local gym. Weekends usually consisted of work around the house, attending birthday parties for the children, and watching movies or TV at home during the evenings. Once and a while, we would get a sitter and go out. Usually we would go by ourselves and do the typical dinner and a movie. On a rare occasion, we would go out with friends to dinner or a comedy show.
In terms of our sex life, we were probably pretty ‘normal’ in that aspect as well. We had sex about once a week and we always felt like we didn’t do it enough. We would plan to have sex, but by the time the kids were in bed and everything else was ready for the next day, there wasn’t much gas left in the tank! When we did have sex, it usually started with us watching an adult movie together and then progressed from there. We did basic positions and never got to kinky – although we both always enjoyed it very much. While we always talked about having sex more, we still felt like we were no different than anyone else. I mean, you always hear stories about couples who wish they had a better sex life. We would do the occasional thing to spice it up like a new piece of lingerie, or a new toy that we would use on her. One time, we even purchased a set of books that laid out scenarios where we could imagine we were different people and play out fantasies that way. Although appealing, it seemed like doing those kinds of things involved a lot of time and effort. With a busy life like ours, we rarely could find the time.
In terms of our own private fantasies, we both had them at the time but didn’t discuss them with each other. Occasionally she would see an actor on TV and tell me she thought he was hot. I would sometimes say the same thing about a female I would see on TV. We never minded the other speaking that way about an actor or actress. I guess both of us figured “Well, they’ll never have a chance with them anyway so what does it matter!” From my perspective, I remember how it made me feel good that Josie was so laid back about things like that. She knew that I was committed to her and would never leave her for anyone. Still, we weren’t open about people we saw in public. When I would see an attractive woman out in public, I would do the typical ‘turn my head the other way’ so she would not see me looking. I had that inner fear that she would think I am not attracted to her anymore if I’m looking at other women.
Now, that’s how we were on the outside. On the inside, things were different. I would bet that my fantasies at the time were the same fantasies that many other married men have. I did fantasize about seeing Josie with a woman, being with another woman myself, being with two women at once, kissing other women, and having group sex. After all, all these are pretty typical fantasies. From what Josie tells me, she used to fantasize about being with a women, being with a man and having a threesome.
Now, even though we both had fantasies and we were comfortable and secure in our relationship, we continued on like most couples would do – not talking about how they really feel inside.
Slowly, things began to change. We didn’t even notice it at first. I started talking more during sex. Specifically, I would tell her I wanted to see her with a woman while I was making love to her. She would sometimes respond by telling me that she wanted the same thing. Now, this was ONLY during sex – not anytime before or after. Because of this, I wasn’t sure if she was serious, or if she just responded that way to turn me on during sex. We didn’t discuss it and our life continued the same as it was before.
Other changes also started – when I rented adult movies, I would specifically rent movies that had girl/girl scenes in them. That night, when we watched the movie, we would watch the girl/girl scenes just like the regular male/female scenes. When we started having foreplay, I would ask her ‘Do you like watching those girls’. She would say yes. This went on for a while and I started thinking more and more about how I was going to bring up to her that I wanted to see her with a woman.
We took a trip to Las Vegas that summer. I had brought up to her the idea of visiting a strip club. She indicated that she would do it, but seemed kind of unsure about the idea. One night in Vegas (after a lot of drinking), we were out walking and passed by a strip club. I grabbed her arm and said ‘let’s go’. She hesitated, but eventually agreed to go in just to see what it was like. We paid our entry fee (a two-drink minimum) and had a seat at the stage. Josie was amazed at the huge variety of people in the club. She was especially amazed by an older couple sitting in a booth on one side of the stage. To make a long story short, the night ended with each of us getting a lap dance. Watching her get a dance was the HOTTEST thing I had ever seen in my life (up to that point of course!). We made it back to our hotel room that night and had some great sex.
Now….even after all that, we still went back to being our normal selves. During sex, we would still talk about women, but it did not progress beyond that.
Then one day, I decided to order the Playboy channel. Playboy had adult movies on every night and we figured it would be cheaper than renting them. What Playboy also had was a huge variety of shows as well. While most shows were not worth watching, there were a few that we both really enjoyed. One of them was called ‘Sexcetera’. We recorded this show every week on our Tivo and would then watch it together. Each show had several segments where a reporter would go to a certain location in the world and do a profile on some sex-related topic. For example, there were segments on nude photography, underwater sex, bondage, etc…
Then it happened. It was a night in mid-April. Sexcetera had recorded the night before and once the kids were in bed, we turned it on. Nothing about this episode was exciting, until the second or third segment. This segment was on swingers! Basically, they tried to show how swingers were ‘normal’ people, like someone that would live next door to you. They also dispelled the rumor that all swingers were gross or disgusting looking people. The lady they were interviewing was well-spoken explained how couples in the lifestyle were closer than couples not involved in it. After the segment was over, neither of us said anything – although my mind was racing! I wanted to turn and ask Josie what she though of it, but of course, I didn’t.
That night, we got dressed for bed and laid down. I was shocked when Josie turned over, looked at me and said, ‘So what are your fantasies’? I could not believe she had just asked me that question. I knew exactly what to say first – “I want to see you with another woman”. Then the shock only grew when she said, “I would like to try that, I would also like to see you with her”. I just couldn’t believe it. We stayed up for hours that night talking – and of course – having great sex because we were both so turned on! It was amazing, even though we had done nothing outside our marriage yet, we were more hot and horny for each other then we had been in a long time! Josie also brought up the idea of her being with another man that night. I had a hard time thinking about that one. I’m not sure what it was, I just had a hard time with it. I told her that it would take some getting used to.
Things progressed much faster from that point on – joining swinger sites, chatting with other couples, attending parties, and eventually, having sex with others. The changing point for us was when we decided to be completely honest with each other about how we felt and what our fantasies were.
Now, do we consider ourselves ‘normal’? Well, yes and no. We are so different now (4 years later), yet so much the same. We still have the kids, a house, the dog, different jobs, etc… We also still have friends that are just family friends as opposed to lifestyle friends. However, we have noticed a shift in the number of Vanilla friend’s vs Lifestyle friend’s. We feel that we are most comfortable hanging out with like-minded individuals, hence our choices in friends has changed. What’s different is the fact that we have great sex several times a week with each other. On weekends we almost always go out with other lifestyle friends and most of those weekends, we end up having sex with other people. We still love each other more and more each day. We have always been Best Friends, but now we feel so connected to each other, its amazing. The lifestyle has been liberating for both of us and has brought us so much closer together.